I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
