i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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