so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
