You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
