sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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