why didn't you poke me back
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
