Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
