You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
