I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
