Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
