dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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