I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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