Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
