Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
