and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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