No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
