oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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