The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need water and some morals
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
