Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
