he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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