Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
