you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
