Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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