Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
