no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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