lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
