honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
