I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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