I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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