I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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