Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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