I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize