I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
