Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
