Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
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I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.