I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.