you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
