My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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