Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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