oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
