so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
