Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
