When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
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Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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