I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
