I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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