Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
