I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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