I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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