i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You're like the curious george of whores
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
