connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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