just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
