WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
