Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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