my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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